


use your hands and my spare time

by nectar (technicolours)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Barebacking, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Constipation, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends With Benefits, Google calendar as a plot point, Huang Ren Jun is Bad at Feelings, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno, Minor Liu Yang Yang/Na Jaemin, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Some porn but mostly plot, consent is sexy everyone, frat boy mark lee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:34:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29094318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/technicolours/pseuds/nectar
Summary: there are three simple rules to being friends with benefits:1. no kissing or touching outside the bedroom: these things are strictly for initiating sex and nothing more.2. no commitment: they can still see other people, and end their arrangement at any time.3. and the most important rule of them all: don’t catch feelings.but there’s an inexplicable, undeniablesomethingabout mark lee that makes renjun want to break all of the rules.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Mark Lee
Comments: 29
Kudos: 359





	use your hands and my spare time

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to my first e-rated fic..... [head in hands] 
> 
> and a very special thank you to lex (@boyfrendery) for betaing this 18k monstrosity, i appreciate you so much <33
> 
> title from [sex](https://open.spotify.com/track/0wIFAHbaUucA8mog7Y2IDD?si=W0ysS4acRdGlevD1HtQ12A) by the 1975
> 
> cw for a brief mention of biphobia in the section that begins with “it was kinda strange...”

**[Google Calendar – Now]**

_meet with mark lee -_ in 10 minutes

Renjun glances at the notification on his phone, shutting it off before anyone can see. But of course, one can never possibly escape the sharp eyes of Donghyuck Lee. 

“I still can’t believe you schedule your dick appointments in Google Calendar,” he scoffs. 

“Shut up!” Renjun hisses. He stares furtively around the library, catching sight of a few turned heads in their direction courtesy of his roommate’s inability to use his indoor voice. They quickly go back to their work when he meets their gaze coldly. 

“See? Look what you’ve done, now the whole world knows.” 

“Now all of China knows you’re off to your dick appointment.” Donghyuck cracks up at his own joke, only shutting up when Renjun shoots him a withering glare. 

He closes his laptop and shoves it unceremoniously into his bag, feeling the need to defend himself. “And besides, it’s efficient!” 

“I don’t doubt it,” Donghyuck shrugs, highlighting what appears to be an entire section of his book in fluorescent yellow. “Just be careful, yeah?” 

Renjun closes the zipper of his backpack, slinging it over his shoulder. “I always am.” 

“Oh, I’m much more worried about Mark than I am for you.” Donghyuck caps his highlighter, flashing Renjun a sly smirk. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“I dunno, you seem way more likely to break his heart and not the other way around.” Donghyuck says, nonchalant. He shuts his textbook, leaning back with a sigh. “Now I don’t wanna study if you’re gonna leave,” he grumbles. 

“Me? Breaking frat boy Mark Lee’s heart?” Renjun raises his eyebrows. “Wait, no, no hearts are getting broken. That’s the whole point.” 

“Hmm.” Donghyuck responds unhelpfully, stretching his arms over his head like a cat. He tilts his chair back, teetering dangerously before lowering himself back down. “Mark’s kinda… Sensitive? Very un-frat boy of him, I know. But he’s a good guy, Jun. And you know me, impeccable judge of character.” 

“Right, well,” Renjun checks the time, calculating the distance between the library and Mark’s frat house. “I would love to stay and chat, but I kinda gotta blast, so, bye.” 

“Have fun!” Donghyuck calls out after him, and because he has no shame, he loudly adds, “use protection!” 

Renjun flips him off as students sitting nearby eye him once more, his roommate’s laughter ringing a little too loud for the library as he walks away. 

His phone buzzes with a new text message. _“u coming?”_

 _“omw”_ he types back, slipping on his AirPods and changing the song. For a moment, his mind wanders back to Donghyuck’s teasing warning, though Renjun deduces there was at least some seriousness despite his lighthearted tone. 

The thing is, he and Mark are simply friends with benefits. Or, okay, maybe “friends” is pushing it. More like acquaintances with benefits? That seems a little more plausible. It all began in September, at an Asian student organization mixer at some random upperclassman’s apartment, where everyone had been pumped full of alcohol and left free to roam and do stupid shit, as college students typically do. It was a fairly blurry night for Renjun - he hadn’t been much of a partygoer in high school, so he didn’t quite know how much was too much. 

That’s how he ended up on the balcony with Mark Lee, a board member of the Korean Student Association, fueled by drunkenness and typical college freshman horniness at the sight of his _super hot_ upperclassman and too much freedom, more freedom than he’d ever had in his life, standing with his back against the balcony and Mark’s hands gripping his waist as he shoved his tongue down his throat. 

Nothing else happened that night - Renjun had detached their lips and then immediately keeled over to puke his guts out over the railing. Mark rubbed circles comfortingly onto his back, much to Renjun’s chagrin. Then, he’d helped Renjun find his friends and told him to get home safe, and that was that. 

Naturally, he avoided Mark like the plague afterwards. He thought it shouldn’t be too hard: he’s in CSA and Mark’s in KSA, and their organizations don’t really do much together aside from the occasional mixers. And besides, their campus is _huge,_ so he was really banking on never having to see Mark again. 

Unfortunately for him, the universe had other plans. Well, the universe, and Donghyuck Lee. 

He walks on, past orange leaves littering the streets and students milling about as they take in in the October sun, and a few minutes later, he arrives at Mark’s place. The fraternity house looks different in daylight than in its usual state of debauchery in the late evenings, and he stands at the entrance, eyeing the crushed beer cans littering the porch with distaste as he remembers the first time he’d come here per Donghyuck’s request. 

He hadn’t known that tagging along to that specific frat party meant seeing Mark again. When he met him, he’d heard that he was in a fraternity, but it was just a string of random Greek letters to his drunk brain, and he hadn’t thought much of it. But then Donghyuck had dragged him out a few weekends later to a party he got invited to by some of his KSA upperclassmen that were brothers in the frat, and there he was, standing guard on door duty with a silver vape in his hands, lips curved into a smile as he exhaled a cloud of smoke in all his frat boy glory. 

Mark had turned, eyes meeting Renjun’s, and there was nowhere left to run. 

(Strangely enough, he didn’t want to anymore.) 

Renjun clears away the memory and knocks on the door. A few moments later, there he is, grinning at him as he runs a hand through his jet-black hair. “You’re late, Huang.” 

“Two minutes,” Renjun shrugs, lifting his phone to show Mark the time on his lockscreen. 

Mark squints at the screen, taking his phone in his hand and tugging it closer to his face. “Did you seriously make a Google Calendar notification for me?” 

Renjun snatches his phone away. “I organize half my life in Google Calendar, Mark Lee. Don’t flatter yourself too much.” 

“Still.” Mark’s grin only grows wider, and he cracks the door open further. “Well, come on in.” 

The third time they hooked up, when it was clear that they kept on coming back to each other for more, they decided to establish some ground rules. Rule number one: no kissing or touching other than in the bedroom. Rule number two: they were still allowed to see other people, and could end this at any time if things became serious with someone else. And rule number three, the most important one of them all: don’t catch feelings. 

They don’t talk as Mark leads Renjun up to his bedroom, the second door on the right by the stairs. They don’t talk when Mark shuts the door behind them while pressing Renjun’s body against it, kissing down the side of his jaw as he works quickly to get him out of his clothes. 

Renjun turns around so they’re face-to-face, keeping his body flush against Mark’s as he grips the back of his head, knocking their mouths together. He pushes Mark onto the bed, climbing onto his lap and attaching his lips to his neck.

“So, uh, how was your day?” Mark inquires breathlessly as Renjun sinks his teeth against the sensitive skin. 

Quizzically, Renjun pulls back. “What? You’re asking me something other than ‘you like that?’” Then, he raises his eyebrows, leaning in so their noses brush. “Damn, Mark Lee. Are you in love with me or something?” 

Mark snorts. “You wish, Huang.” His voice is low, eyes dark as he smirks. Then, he grips Renjun by the hair and kisses him, hard, switching their position so Renjun’s the one pinned against the sheets, moving quickly to get him out of his clothes.

He supposes that’s the good thing about a casual arrangement such as theirs: Mark knows what he likes, and somehow that’s enough for him to keep coming back for more. Being with Mark is easy, no-strings-attached. He always knows just what buttons to push, which spots on his body to kiss and touch and bite that cause him to dig his fingers into his skin and cry out for more. And he knows all of Mark’s quirks, how he loves how flexible Renjun is because it means that he can hook his ankles around his shoulders to grant him easier access, knows how to touch him and get him all riled up until he’s moaning his name and coming down his throat with his fingers fisted into Renjun’s hair.

But perhaps the best part of it all is that he never expects Renjun to stay. 

Sometimes he hops in the shower with Renjun and they’ll go for another round, sometimes he waits for him to leave. On this particular day he chooses to wait, leaving Renjun to pad over to the bathroom across the hall alone. Thankfully, nobody else is in the house today; there had been one too many instances in the past where he’d emerged from Mark’s bedroom and had to awkwardly greet some of his housemates on his walk of shame.

He showers quickly, letting the water rinse clean him of the remnants of their tryst. He grabs the towel Mark had given him and wraps it around his body, slipping back into the bedroom where Mark’s still laying naked on the ruined sheets, vaping. 

“Modern day Cigarettes After Sex,” Renjun comments offhandedly, rummaging through the haphazard pile of clothes strewn on the floor. “Post-fuck JUUL.” 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Mark lets out another exhale of smoke lazily.

“They have a couple good songs,” Renjun shrugs. “I’ve just always wanted to make that joke.”

“Oh. That’s cool, maybe I’ll check them out.” Mark looks over at him as Renjun picks up his hoodie and tugs it on, smoothing it out at his waist. “Hey, is that mine?” 

Renjun glances down - the baggy sweatshirt he’d worn to Mark’s place is in fact one he’d borrowed from him a while ago. “Huh, yeah, I think so. Do you want it back?” 

Mark takes in his appearance, eyes lingering on the way the red fabric grazes against his bare thighs, barely covering a newly minted bruise, and then up to his face. He shakes his head with a small smile. “Nah, it looks better on you.” 

“Oh,” Renjun responds quietly. He looks down at the hoodie as he tugs on his jeans, and then back up to Mark, though the latter’s gone back to blowing smoke rings into the air. There’s an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach, but he forces it down and gathers his belongings. “See you around.” 

“You mean, when you schedule me in your Google Calendar again?” Mark teases. When the smoke dissipates, he’s grinning, and Renjun can’t fight back the smile that makes its way across his lips.

“Only for you, Mark Lee.” He freezes - _is that too flirty?_ But instead of sticking around to see if Mark’s noticed, he promptly turns around and leaves, letting muscle memory lead him out of the room and out the house, onto the familiar winding streets that take him back to his dorm. 

* * *

For the most part, things stay relatively the same. They dance around each other like they always do, playing their respective parts in their typical routine of clandestine hookups and overall lack of commitment. 

Except, much to Renjun’s horror as he does his weekly walk of shame back to his dorm after a particularly rigorous Google Calendar appointment, he comes to a shocking realization that he _wanted_ to stay a little longer. 

He stops, dead in his tracks, in the middle of the sidewalk. “ _No,_ ” he breathes out. This isn’t happening. Maybe the weather is to blame? It’s early December, and there’s a faint smattering of powder-white snow on the ground. Maybe he’s just cold, and his body wants to go back to Mark’s room where it’s warm. That has to be it, right? 

When he gets back to his dorm room, he grabs a pillow from his side and chucks it at his napping roommate’s head. “Wake up,” he hisses. “Wake up! It’s important!” 

Donghyuck stirs, hair sticking out in messy angles. “I fucking hate you.” 

“The feeling’s mutual. Now, help me,” Renjun pleads, hopping onto Donghyuck’s bed. 

“Mmph,” Donghyuck grumbles, his voice muffled by his pillow. He lifts his head to glare at Renjun. “You’re so cruel.” 

“Thank you.” Renjun gestures for him to sit up hastily, and Donghyuck lets out a long-suffering sigh but complies. They sit together with their backs against the wall, Donghyuck still half-asleep as he listens to Renjun’s woes. 

“You… I still can’t believe you woke me up for this,” he complains. He narrows his eyes at Renjun. “So, do you like him? Like, like-like him?” 

Renjun frowns. “No?” 

Donghyuck just stares blankly at him. 

Renjun sighs. “Okay, fine. I don’t know? That’s why I’m asking you.” 

“Jun,” Donghyuck says, voice surprisingly gentle. “I can’t tell you how to feel.” He pauses, meeting Renjun’s eyes. “But would it be the worst thing in the world if you did?” 

His mind races to all the moments he’d shared with Mark in the name of no-strings-attached, how lately, he finds himself moving slowly as he picks up his clothes from the floor and puts them on, almost as if he doesn’t want to leave. Even so, they have no future, right? They aren’t exactly the type to dance together at a party, to sneak a kiss in the middle of the dance floor in front of everyone. 

Renjun simply isn’t a relationship person, and neither is Mark. That’s what makes their arrangement work - neither of them are looking for anything serious. And besides, Renjun knows how most relationships end: more often than not, they go down in flames, with both parties and all their friends hating each other when it’s all said and done.

So, he tells himself, things are better for them this way. Whatever he thought he felt today was probably just a fluke. 

“Sorry I woke you up,” he says instead.

“It’s fine,” Donghyuck grumbles. “Fucking finals season, man. I’m just trying to nap as much as I can before I gotta start pulling all-nighters.” 

“Smart.” 

Donghyuck nods, reaching blindly for his phone and checking the time. “Food, and then library?” He suggests. “I was gonna invite Jeno and Jaemin too.” 

“Oh, Jeno?” Renjun raises his eyebrows teasingly. 

“And Jaemin,” Donghyuck adds quickly. 

“Well, I guess I gotta go then, to save Jaemin from feeling like a third wheel.” Renjun slides gracefully off of Donghyuck’s bed, wincing at the landing before padding over to his side of the room to grab his bag. 

“Oh my God,” Donghyuck crows, noticing Renjun’s pain. “You’re walking funny.” 

“No, I’m not!” Renjun shouts, a little too defensively. 

Donghyuck cackles from somewhere behind him. “Well, shit. No wonder you’re catching feelings.” 

“I’m _not_ catching feelings,” he starts to argue, but then he pauses, suddenly consumed with thoughts of Mark: Mark grinning at him by the frat house door the second time they met, Mark with his hands placed on Renjun’s hips hesitantly, asking if every touch was okay the first time they hooked up. Mark, who sent butterflies reeling in Renjun’s stomach when he told him he looked better in his sweatshirt than he did. 

“I’m not catching feelings.” He repeats. But there’s a slight waver in his voice, like he’s not entirely sure who, exactly, he’s trying to convince: his roommate, or himself.

* * *

It was kind of strange: he’d arrived at the party per Mark’s instructions, and then he’d caught sight of Mark and they’d disappeared up the stairs a few minutes apart from each other. But it was clear to see that Mark wasn’t in the right mood - he was visibly upset, and so Renjun sat him down on the bed. 

“Is something wrong?” 

This isn’t in his job description, and yet he feels obligated to stay. Even if he’s sure nothing’s going to come of them, he’s still allowed to show that he cares _,_ right? 

Mark runs a hand through his hair, dropping his gaze to the floor. “It’s not you, I swear.” 

“Hey, none of the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ shit, Mark Lee. We can’t break up cause we were never together in the first place.” Renjun tries to lift the mood, to no avail. 

“Nah, it’s none of that, I just…” He finally looks up, and his eyes are shining with tears. 

Wordlessly, Renjun sits down next to him, pulling him in so his head leans into the crook of Renjun’s neck. He wraps his arms around Mark’s torso, holding him close as his tears soak into his t-shirt, and he brings up one hand to run gently through his hair.

“I’m sorry,” Mark pulls away, wiping at his tears with a sad smile. “It’s been a rough day.” 

Renjun stands, reaching for the box of tissues at Mark’s bedside table and handing it to him before sitting back down. “You can talk to me about it,” he says gently. “Or not, if you don’t want to. No pressure, or judgement.” 

Mark lets out a deep breath. “I told my parents I was bi.” 

“Oh,” Renjun says softly. “They didn’t take it well?” 

“Yeah. My mom asked if that meant I was still attracted to girls, and I said yeah, but I’m also attracted to guys, and she just told me I was confused.” He lets out a sharp laugh, tears forming at the corners of his eyes. “I’m not the type of person to open up easily, you know? It took a long time for me to figure myself out, and even now, I still don’t feel the need to tell everyone. I mean, I kinda only told you because you hit on me first and I thought you were really cute.” Mark flashes him a sideways grin, though his eyes are still sad. “But I thought I was ready to be more open, like, to the rest of the world, and I thought that I could maybe start by getting through telling my parents, and, well, that happened.” 

“I’m sorry.” Renjun can’t stop himself - he reaches out with his sleeve and gently presses his shirtsleeves underneath Mark’s eyelids. All those months of sleeping together casually, and yet this, this feels like a different level of intimacy. When he draws his arm back, Mark reaches out to hold onto his tearstained wrist. 

“Thank you.” 

“For what?” Renjun inquires. 

“For being here. I really appreciate it,” Mark says. 

“Of course.” Renjun offers him a small smile. “We’re friends, right?” 

“Right,” Mark says quietly. They both glance down, suddenly hyper-aware that Mark’s still gripping his arm like it’s a lifeline. Slightly flustered, Mark lets go, and Renjun instinctively shies away. 

For a moment they sit in silence, unmoving; a sharp contrast to all the filthy, loud activities they usually end up doing on that bed. Then, they open their mouths at the same time. 

“I-“ Renjun starts to say, just as Mark says “so-”. They glance at each other and smile. 

“Go ahead,” Renjun waves his hand. 

Mark looks at him earnestly, eyes slightly bashful as he says, “will you stay the night?”

Renjun meets his gaze in surprise as that strange fluttery feeling returns to his chest. How can he say no, when Mark Lee’s looking at him like _that?_

“Not like, in a ‘I’m trying to get in your pants’ kinda way, but in a ‘I wanna get to know you better’ way.” Mark’s eyes widen as he waves his arms. 

“I mean, you’ve already gotten in my pants. A bunch of times, actually,” Renjun deadpans. He tilts his head, scrutinizing Mark. “So we’re really moving on from the multiple-night stands phase and heading into the part where we stay up all night talking about our feelings?” 

“Well, when you put it that way, it feels like we’ve been moving backwards, huh?” Mark muses. 

Renjun crosses his arms, suddenly defensive. “But that’s what we agreed on, didn’t we? Something casual. We’re just friends, with a little extra.” 

“Hey, just cause we’re friends who happen to have sex doesn’t mean we can’t talk about other things,” Mark shrugs, leaning back. “Like I, for example, just bared my soul to you, but we fucked like, two days ago. That combination still doesn’t magically make me your boyfriend.” 

Renjun lets out a noise of affirmation. He isn’t wrong - at the end of the day, they’d still just be friends with benefits. All of the fun, none of the risk. 

“You’re right,” he murmurs. He looks up at Mark, his voice taking on a teasing lilt. “As long as you don’t have feelings for me, and I don’t have feelings for you, then nothing can change what we have. And besides,” he narrows his eyes, “this is purely platonic, right?” 

The answer would be crushing, but he needs to hear it. He mentally steels himself, expecting the response. 

“Of course,” Mark raises his eyebrows. “Unless… you caught feelings for me?” 

Renjun forces out a laugh. He punches Mark in the arm perhaps a little too hard to be friendly, judging from the way he winces and rubs at his shoulder. “You wish, Mark Lee.” 

“Damn.” Mark snorts. “Okay, so now what?” 

“What? You’re the one that begged me to stay!” Renjun retorts. 

“I didn’t _beg,_ ” Mark raises his hands defensively. “Uh, I don’t know, we’ve never actually gotten this far? I honestly wasn’t expecting you to say yes.”

“Smooth.” Renjun shifts his weight back on his hands. “You know, I’m not much of a party person, right? I just come here ‘cause I only really end up hanging out downstairs for a few minutes before you tell me to come up.”

“I’m not in a partying mood either,” Mark says. He glances at Renjun. “I dunno, we can smoke, make out, you talk to me about your feelings since I already did that. Whatever you’re up for.”

“Ah,” Renjun nods sagely. “Get baked, make out first. Talk about my feelings hopefully never.” 

“Sounds like the makings of a great slumber party.” 

“Exactly,” Renjun smirks, standing up. “Now let’s get stoned, or I’m leaving.” 

Mark rolls his eyes, though there’s no real malice behind the gesture. “You wouldn’t.” 

“You know I would.” Renjun argues. 

“Nah, you know what I think?” Mark stands up, walking over to his desk drawer and pulling out a silver vape. He grins, meeting Renjun’s eyes. “I think you have a soft spot for me, Renjun Huang.”

 _Absolutely right._ “Wrong,” he retorts instead. “You really need to work on being a little more humble, Mark Lee.” 

Mark shrugs, tossing the item in his hand onto the bed. “Whatever you say.” He still has that charming, boyish grin on his face when he glances at Renjun and adds, “but in case you were wondering, I do have a soft spot for you.”

Renjun stares at him for a moment, slack-jawed and heart pounding in his ears, before he inwardly shakes himself off. He reaches for the pen and changes the subject: “let’s just get high.” 

He takes a drag, long and slow with his eyes closed, letting the smoke fill his mouth. When he opens his eyes, Mark is standing between his legs, fingers underneath his chin and angling his face up. He exhales, blowing the smoke into Mark’s parted lips, watching with half-lidded eyes as Mark breathes it all in, before Mark slots their lips together, the movement languid and unhurried. 

When they break apart, Renjun keeps him at arm’s length and says, “so _that’s_ why you wanted to smoke, huh?”

Mark just grins, reaching for the pen. 

“Uh uh, you stole my hit,” Renjun glares at him. 

“So take this one,” Mark says, bringing the pen to his lips. Renjun shakes his head, pretending to be annoyed, but lets Mark push the vapor into his mouth. He leans forward to take another drag out of the pen in Mark’s hand, exhaling out into the open air as Mark kisses the side of his neck, and he grips Mark’s waist and tugs them both down onto the bed, feeling weightless. 

Mark takes a hit, blowing the smoke away. He’s propped up on his elbows above Renjun’s body, the two of them lying on the side of the bed. 

“What?” Renjun murmurs. He reaches up a hand to trace Mark’s sharp cheekbones with his index finger as if in a trance, trailing the pad of his thumb down his jawline. Mark peers down at him with an expression his mind is too foggy to understand, and the words tumble out of his mouth before he can process them. “Okay, but can we fucking cuddle now?”

Mark laughs, the rumble of his laughter palpable against Renjun’s body, and he finds himself laughing along with him. They’re laughing at nothing - Renjun’s staticky brain still recognizes that, and yet the giggles bubble out of him anyway. 

There’s a strange warmth in the pit of his stomach when Mark gives up on supporting his body weight on his arms and collapses down onto Renjun, and Renjun curls his arms around Mark’s back and pulls him in closer. 

“We could watch a movie or something,” Mark suggests, voice muffled by Renjun’s shoulder. 

Renjun nods, lazily running his fingers through Mark’s soft hair. “Hm. You know what I want to watch?” He asks, suddenly serious. 

Mark lifts his head up. “What?” 

“ _Ratatouille_. Can we please watch _Ratatouille?_ ” He pleads, and because his brain is hazy and he doesn’t feel anything other than pure elation, from the weed or from Mark’s presence, he’s not entirely sure, he bursts out into laughter again. 

“Fuck!” Mark laughs. “Fuck yeah, I fucking love _Ratatouille,_ let’s go.” 

And so they curl up together under Mark’s sheets, legs tangled together as Renjun rests his head on Mark’s chest and tosses his arm haphazardly across his waist as they stare blankly at Mark’s laptop, engrossed in the Disney+ browser. 

“I’m so hungry,” Renjun moans, watching the delicious-looking animated food on the screen. He peers up at Mark, giving him his softest puppy dog eyes. “Can we get snacks?” 

“There should be some in the kitchen,” Mark says. He grins, playfully shoving Renjun’s face away. “Hey, don’t look at me like that.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Renjun responds, coy. He cocks his head, raising his eyebrows innocently. “You really do have a soft spot for me, huh?” 

“I think you already know the answer to that.” Mark flashes him a sly smile, and then he’s gently pushing Renjun off of him and getting out of the bed. “I’ll be back in a few. Don’t start it without me!” 

Renjun sighs, flopping back down once the door shuts behind him and the sounds of the party raging underneath them becomes muffled once more. He rolls onto his side, reaching for his phone at the bedside table to pull up FaceTime and call Donghyuck. 

“Jesus, Jun, your eyes are so fucking red,” is the first thing Donghyuck says to him when he picks up. “Are you at Mark’s?” 

Renjun nods, suddenly feeling overwhelmed, as if all the hits he’d taken are finally catching up to him, and not in a good way. “Yeah. We took a couple hits, and he left to get some snacks.” He frowns. “Hyuckie, we didn’t hook up. Like, at all. We’ve been watching _Ratatouille_ and I…”

“You what?” Donghyuck frowns. “Jun. Are you okay?” 

“I don’t know,” Renjun says. There’s a tightness in his chest, and he suddenly feels like he’s about to cry. “Hyuckie, I think I wanna go home.” 

“Wait, Renjun, you’re not in the right state of mind…” He trails off, glancing at something off camera. “Okay, I’ll come get you. Stay there.” 

“Okay,” Renjun whispers. 

“I’ll stay on the line, okay? Talk to me, what’s going on?” Donghyuck’s camera blurs, and then it refocuses as he puts on his coat. In the frame, Renjun can see someone else behind him - Jeno, clad in a thick jacket, a lanyard and keys in his hand. “You ready to go?” Jeno tilts his head towards the door, and Donghyuck nods on the screen. 

“I think I just need some fresh air,” Renjun mumbles. He stands up abruptly, blood rushing to his head, and he stumbles off of the bed, clutching his phone to his chest. When he opens the door, the party’s in full swing, and the EDM thrumming through the floor makes him feel disoriented as he staggers down the stairs, gripping the railing to maintain his balance. 

He pauses halfway to the door, catching a glimpse of Mark a few feet away with his back to him. Someone from his fraternity, Renjun supposes, has him in an affectionate chokehold, ruffling his hair before shoving an entire handle of Tito’s in front of his face. 

Renjun can hear Mark laugh, and he sees the bottle tilt upwards as Mark drinks and drinks. “I really should get back,” Mark says when he resurfaces. 

“Why?” The other guy challenges. “You got someone waiting for you upstairs?” 

When Mark shrugs, the friend nags him. “Oh, really? Shit, is she hot? Who is she?” 

Renjun freezes, trying to make sense of Mark’s body language. Then, Mark just laughs uncomfortably. “I’m kidding, I’m just not feeling it today. I gotta cram for an exam on Monday.” 

“Boo,” the guy says. He starts saying something else, but Renjun doesn’t bother to stick around, stumbling out the door and into the night. 

There’s a couple of people out on the porch, laughing among themselves and smoking, but Renjun ignores them. He sits on the steps, resting his fuzzy head against the wooden pillar. 

“Hey, you good?” A voice rings out, and he glances up to see a girl staring down at him in concern. 

He nods numbly, going back to leaning against the railing for support, but the girl’s voice is still audible nearby. “You’re in the frat, right? Can you check if he’s okay?” 

“I’m fine,” he waves her off. When he turns around, Mark’s standing in the doorway, staring at him with wide eyes. 

“Renjun,” Mark starts to say, but he’s cut off by someone else from the street also shouting his name.

Renjun rips his gaze off of Mark and finds himself being tugged upright by Donghyuck, Jeno coming around the side of his car. 

“Oh, Mark,” Donghyuck says in surprise as he slings Renjun’s arm around his shoulder and supports his body weight.“I’m gonna get him home. See you around.”

“Get home safe,” Mark says. Renjun’s head lolls against his arm as he peers at Mark, and then Donghyuck’s pulling him away, though he keeps his eyes on Mark for reasons he can’t fully comprehend with the weed hitting his system.

“You got him?” Jeno asks. He opens the back door of the car, and Donghyuck nods. Before his friends wrangle him into the backseat, he looks up again and finds Mark staring at him from the porch, but he doesn’t linger long enough to decipher the look on his face. 

* * *

And just like that, finals season comes and goes. Renjun wraps up his first semester as a college student, and then before he knows it, he's home; the year changes, and then he's on a plane back to campus. 

Despite the physical distance between them during winter break, he’d somehow ended up keeping in touch with Mark, though their conversations have been relatively PG (with the exception of occasionally getting each other off on FaceTime). Something about it feels horribly domestic to him, but the rational part of his brain whispers reminders that what they have is completely platonic. Mark doesn’t have feelings for him, and he’s never going to act on these confusing emotions he feels whenever they stay up late sending each other stupid memes and TikTok videos. 

The wheels touch the tarmac, and he has his phone out before he can even process what he's doing, fingers typing out a quick text to Mark: " _hey_ ".

" _hey_ ," Mark replies as the plane lurches to a sudden halt. " _did u get back safe?_ "

Renjun smiles, despite himself. He can practically hear Donghyuck's voice in his head, muttering, "you're _so_ bare minimum, it hurts."

" _yeah,_ " he types back. " _see u in a few_ ".

Some time later, he emerges from the airport terminal with one hand tugging his carry-on suitcase behind him and the other clutching his phone. He catches sight of Mark, leaning against the passenger side of his car, clad in a puffy winter coat. Little clouds emerge from his parted lips from the cold, and Renjun grins at him, standing by the entrance.

Mark meets his eyes and waves, a warm smile on his face. Renjun waves back, and then he surges forward, as if he were to give him a hug, but then he freezes; Mark looks at him with wide eyes. They stand, staring at each other awkwardly for a few heartbeats before Renjun shakes it off. "It's freezing," he quips. "Let's go."

"Right," Mark clears his throat. He opens the back door of his car and wrestles the suitcase out of Renjun's hands despite Renjun's protests and tosses it into the backseat, gesturing with his head towards the passenger side.

Wordlessly, Renjun steps inside, closing the door and rubbing his hands in a futile attempt to generate some warmth.

Mark slides into the driver's seat beside him, and he glances at Renjun after he closes the door. He takes in Renjun's shivering fingers, and then, much to Renjun's shock, he reaches over and gently takes his hands in his own.

Renjun's traitorous heart threatens to leap out of his chest. _Oh no. Oh, no, no, no._

Nonchalantly, Mark lets go when Renjun's hands have warmed up (and his ears, but for an entirely different reason). He presses on the gas and speeds out of the airport like nothing out of the ordinary just happened, blissfully unaware of the way Renjun’s brain is short-circuiting beside him. Mark drives on, and Renjun steals a few glances at him, wondering if he can glean anything from his expression, but he stays the same, chatting animatedly about his favorite Joji album. 

Renjun nods along, though he finds himself getting more and more distracted at the way Mark's mouth moves when he speaks, the way he bites at his bottom lip whenever he makes a sharp turn - he makes sure Mark's still focused on the road, and he discreetly whips out his phone to shoot a quick text to Donghyuck. " _im so fucked_.” 

He belatedly realizes Mark's asking him a question, and he doesn't wait to see if the three dots change into words, clicking off his phone as if he’d been caught doing something incriminating - In a way, he kind of has. "Hm?"

Mark lets out a soft laugh. "Oh, I was just wondering if you wanted aux."

"Mark Lee, giving me aux privileges?" Renjun raises his eyebrows teasingly. "I'm not sure if you'll like my music."

"Why? Is it sad?" Mark shoots him a quick glance. "Is it embarrassing? Hey, I admit One Direction's music is good, there's no shame in being a Directioner."

Renjun laughs. "Wait! How’d you know?” 

“We follow each other on Spotify!” Mark pretends to be affronted. He pouts. “I literally follow one of your playlists.” 

“Oh, right,” Renjun says. “But I’m good, I like your music.” The way Mark cracks a small smile at the sudden compliment doesn't escape his eyes. Then, he makes sure Mark’s diligently keeping his attention on the road before he pulls out his phone to shoot Donghyuck another S.O.S text; he _knows_ that fucker’s ignoring him, judging by the way he hasn’t responded to any of his messages but sent out his daily Snapchat streaks.

**donghyuck lee**

**Today** 2:15 p.m.

_im so fucked_

_i have never wanted to kiss someone so badly_

_hyuckie pls help this is terrible_

_if u don’t help me i’m gonna take advantage of the fact that ur not back yet and im gonna invite mark into our room and we r gonna fuck on ur bed_

_jk... or am i?_

_OH MY GOD_

_i literally hate u so much_

_i hate u especially for using that threat against me_

_knowing full well my single ass can’t do anything about it_

_well MAYBE if ur annoying ass would do smth about ur big gay crush on jeno…_

_stfu this ain’t about me!!!_

_btw… if u wanna kiss him so bad… he’s right there u know_

And so, Renjun spends the entire drive back to his dormitory thinking about how badly he wants to tell Mark to pull over just so he can kiss him senseless - and maybe a little more. All he can do is nod along to whatever Mark says, too enraptured by the way he swipes his tongue over his lips to wet them when he’s been talking for a while. 

It feels like it’s taken hours instead of minutes when Mark finally parallel parks in front of his residence hall. There’s nobody out on the street except for them as they stare at each other for a few charged moments, and then Renjun can’t stop himself. He closes the distance immediately, reveling in the way Mark kisses him back just as hungrily. 

“Come inside,” he murmurs against Mark's bottom lip. He’s impatient, but he hasn’t seen Mark in almost a full month now, and stroking himself off on FaceTime while listening to Mark moan on the other side of the country isn't an adequate replacement for the real thing. “Donghyuck won’t be home until tomorrow.” 

“Okay,” Mark responds, equally breathless. They break apart to exit the car, and Mark grabs Renjun’s carry-on suitcase for him from the backseat. Renjun swipes them into the building with his student ID, and Mark glances around. “You know I used to live here?” He comments. “Last year. Though it hasn’t changed one bit.” 

“Really? Which part did you live in?” Renjun asks, though they're mainly making small talk at this point; one glance at Mark tells him his mind is in the same place as Renjun’s. 

“Yeah, I was in 2304,” Mark says. “What about you?” 

“Oh, I’m in 3165,” Renjun says. “Come on, we can take the elevator.” He waves them over and hits the button, tapping his feet impatiently. Mark wheels along his suitcase behind him, and the elevator finally signals its arrival with a ding. They’re alone in the elevator, and they immediately take advantage of that as soon as the doors slide shut. 

He detaches himself from Mark’s lips when the elevator starts to slow, and they fall out the doors as Renjun hurries to unlock the door to his room. Mark’s struggling to shove the suitcase between the doorframe when Renjun grabs his arm and yanks him inside. They nearly take a tumble over his luggage before Renjun catches his balance and keeps Mark upright, muffling their laughter with a kiss. 

Renjun lets his hands roam, peeling off Mark’s t-shirt and letting Mark slide off his own top, fingers warm against his cold skin. He attaches their lips together desperately, wrapping his legs around Mark's waist when Mark hoists him up and deposits him against the bed. Mark wastes no time, curling his fingers around the waistband of Renjun's sweats and tugging them off with his underwear in one swift motion. His lips graze against his thigh, dangerously close, and Renjun moans when he sinks his teeth into the sensitive skin of his inner thigh, swiping his tongue against the bite marks.

"Fuck, Mark," Renjun gasps. His fingers find purchase in Mark's hair and he yanks his head up so Mark's face hovers over his own, before he pulls him down for a lingering kiss. He blindly lets his hands wander down, and Mark exhales sharply when Renjun's fingers curl around his half-hard length. "Looks like someone missed this," he smirks.

Mark chases his lips, his hand coming down around Renjun's with a groan. "Maybe I did," he breathes out.

Renjun pauses, and he blinks up at Mark, processing the words. His lips break out into an involuntary smile, and he snakes one arm around Mark's neck, pulling him closer. Making sure his lips brush against the shell of his ear, he whispers, "What did you miss the most?"

With the hand that's still in Mark's pants, he lets go of his erection to pull down his clothes, and Mark swallows before removing them altogether, throwing them haphazardly off the bed. Renjun presses a messy kiss to his lips, more teeth and tongue than anything, and he lets out a gasping breath when one of Mark's hands comes down to cup his ass, giving it a squeeze. He detaches himself from Mark momentarily to reach for his bedside table, and his fingers curl around what he was looking for - his stash of condoms and lube, and he brings both objects back to the bed.

He hesitates when he meets Mark’s eyes; there’s something he’s been wondering. Feeling somewhat shy, he inquires, “have you been sleeping with anyone else?” 

“No.” Mark shakes his head. “Have you?” 

“Nope.” Renjun frowns, taking in Mark’s words. 

He recalls a particular video on Lucas Wong’s Snapchat story – he knows Lucas from CSA, but Lucas is also a close friend of Mark’s since they’re in the same fraternity. The video was blurry because clearly Lucas was not in the right state of mind when he took it, but as the camera swept across the room of the living room of the frat house, he could just make out Mark’s unmistakable grin, bright even in the low light. But he wasn’t alone - he had his hands on a random girl’s hips as they danced together, her back pressed up against his chest, before the video abruptly cut away. 

It’s a little awkward, but he has to ask anyway. “What about that girl?” 

“Huh?” Mark asks. “What girl?” 

“The girl you were dancing with. It was after I left campus, like, in December, maybe?” Renjun hopes that his words don’t come out as bitterly as they taste in his mouth. Which is stupid, because he shouldn’t be jealous – they’re allowed to see other people, they’ve established this a long time ago.

“Oh,” Mark says. Realization seems to dawn on him, and he shakes his head. “Nothing happened with her. Or with anyone else, I swear. We just kissed a little, and that was it.” He takes in Renjun’s perplexed look, and smirks. “Keeping tabs on me?” He raises his eyebrows, eyes going wide as he inquires, “were you perhaps _jealous_ , Huang?” 

“No, of course not,” Renjun says quickly, though he can’t for the life of him explain why he feels sort of… _relieved?_

“Hm,” Mark says. “You know, I’m kinda disappointed that you weren’t.” 

Renjun blinks at him in surprise before he clears his throat. He glances down at the condom he’s holding up, bringing them back to the reason why he’d asked in the first place. “Well, if we’re both clean, and we haven’t been fucking anyone else…” 

Mark grins, taking the condom from between Renjun’s fingers and tossing it off the bed while Renjun’s too surprised to move. He pulls Renjun into a searing kiss, trailing his lips down to press a quick kiss to his jaw before moving away to open the bottle of lube. He deftly drips it onto his fingers, curling them around his cock and giving it a few pumps. Renjun watches, breathless and hard, legs spread and ready, but Mark takes his sweet, sweet time, maintaining eye contact as he moves closer and closer. 

His head falls back against the mattress, eyes fluttering shut with a sigh when Mark slides one finger into him, and then another, and then another. “Mark Lee,” he pants, lifting his head from the pillow to glare at him. “If you don’t fuck me already-” 

Mark smirks. He comes back up to lean over him, anchoring his hands on both sides of Renjun's head. He’s so, so painstakingly close, their bodies almost lined up perfectly but not quite. Renjun bucks his hips up impatiently, wrapping his legs around Mark’s waist to grant him better access, but Mark still doesn’t make a move.

“To answer your question,” Mark suddenly says, eyes are half-lidded as he hangs low over him.

“Hm?” Renjun's fingers curl around the thin metal chain of the cross necklace Mark never takes off. He's gotten pretty accustomed to having it slap him in the face whenever they're busy doing the "benefits" part of their friends with benefits arrangement, and he supposes today will be no different. 

Mark smiles. His hair's a mess and his lips are red and swollen, but his voice is genuine when he says, "you. I missed you the most."

Renjun opens his mouth to respond, but he’s unsure of what to say. Mark doesn't seem to mind, however, driving into him and changing the unsaid words to gasps that emerge from his parted lips. It's as if all his nerve endings are alight in pleasure, leaving him incapable of thinking of anything other than _Mark, Mark, Mark_. 

There's a familiarity in their movements, moving together breathlessly as they chase a high that tastes the sweetest when they're wrapped up in each other - but this time it’s different, nothing but friction between their naked bodies. Sex with Mark has always been great; there’s a reason why he’d always come crawling back for more. But without the added layer of the condom separating them, everything about it feels brand new somehow. It's so good - do much better than he could have ever imagined.

He pulls Mark close to him, closer than they’ve ever been. The chain of Mark’s necklace dangles onto his face, swinging rhythmically to the time of each thrust, but Renjun doesn’t mind. His fingers and heels dig into Mark’s skin as he cries out for more when Mark moves agonizingly slow; he takes his time to rile him up as he pulls out slowly until Renjun sinks his fingernails into his shoulder impatiently with a whine. Pressing a messy kiss to the side of Renjun's neck, he dives back in, meeting him halfway; he thrusts into him rough and hard and needy, Renjun thinks he sees stars when he drags his cock against his walls as he pulls out slowly before slamming right back into him. 

The bed frame rattles against the wall, the sounds of skin slapping against skin and their own moans rising up into the otherwise quiet afternoon. The reason why they never really used Renjun’s dorm room as their rendezvous spot was because Mark has his own room in the frat house. Plus, even though they could sneak in when Donghyuck’s not home, the walls are _very_ thin. 

He mentally apologizes to his next door neighbors when Mark fucks into him harder, causing him to loudly cry out in pleasure before he can’t hold back anymore. He keens and releases with his back arching off the sheets as Mark’s fingers skillfully rub the head of his cock, come spilling out onto his bare chest and stomach. A few moments later, Mark follows, effectively filling him up - but not without asking for permission first, because that’s the kind of considerate partner he is. 

When Mark pulls out, he almost misses the warmth. There’s a sticky mess of lube and come between his thighs, but he doesn’t care, not when he’s still coming down from the high; not when Mark’s lying on his side next to him on his shitty dorm twin-XL.

“Wow,” is all Renjun can say, still slightly breathless. He turns his head to face Mark, who’d been studying his face with a fond look in his eyes. “You’re helping me wash these sheets, by the way.”

Mark laughs, quiet and gentle - the afterglow is always so soft, quite the opposite of how rough he gets during the act itself. “Okay.” He reaches out, fingers gently running down the back of Renjun’s head, catching on the ends of his hair that hang down slightly over the nape of his neck. "You know, I like your hair like this," he murmurs, moving his hand back up to brush a few loose strands away from his forehead before dropping his hand. "It looks good on you."

Renjun smiles and reaches out to run his thumb against Mark’s sharp cheekbones, trailing down to the corner of his lips that curve into a soft grin. They usually don’t kiss, aside from making out before they get hot and heavy, but this time he finds himself wanting to lean in, kiss that smirk off of his handsome face. "Maybe I should cut it," he finally responds when he tears his eyes away from Mark’s lips, a teasing lilt to his voice.

“Don’t,” Mark responds. “Or do it if you really want to, I guess.” 

He lets out a quiet laugh; when he turns away to stare at the popcorn ceiling, he can feel Mark's gaze still lingering on him. And Renjun can't bite back his smile when he breaks the sleepy silence to say quietly, "you know, I missed you the most too." 

* * *

“Wait.” Renjun digs his fingers into Donghyuck’s arm, effectively forcing them both to stop in their tracks, the trip back to their dorm momentarily forgotten. He fixes Donghyuck with a bewildered glance. “Are Mark and I dating?” 

“What.” Donghyuck responds flatly. He pries Renjun’s fingers off of his shoulder. “You literally let him rawdog you on the regular. You might as well be married.” 

“Fuck,” he mutters, before he raises his voice to a shout. “Fuck!” Nearby, a few people walking past them give him a curious glance, but they go back to minding their own business in typical college student fashion. 

In a way, Donghyuck’s kind of right. Ever since they’d established that they haven’t been seeing anyone else, they’d fallen into a pretty regular schedule of fucking, but then afterwards, instead of rushing to get home like he usually does, Mark will let him stick around and they’ll grab food or boba, sometimes even going to the library once they’ve gotten themselves cleaned up. 

They’re even in the same anthropology lecture. It's funny how they both ended up there, since their stories are pretty similar: they just picked a humanities class at random to fulfill university-wide degree requirements, and then they’d pointed at each other and laughed like that Spider-Man meme when they walked into class on Monday. 

He sees Mark almost daily now, and half of the time, what they end up doing doesn’t involve sex. And, oddly enough, he doesn’t mind that one bit. 

“We’re dating?!” Renjun whirls on Donghyuck, wide-eyed. 

Donghyuck looks unfazed by his antics, leisurely scrolling through his phone with a halfhearted shrug. “I guess you kind of are.” He pockets his phone and squints at Renjun. “The real question is, do _you_ want to date him?” 

“No!” Renjun says a little too quickly. Donghyuck’s still fixing him with that levelled stare, the one that screams _I know you a little too well to know when you’re lying,_ and he sighs. “You know I don’t do that. Dating. I’m just not a relationship person.” 

“But _could_ you be a relationship person?” Donghyuck challenges. “You have feelings for him, don’t you? And you guys already act like you’re dating already. Would it really make that big of a difference if you put a label on it?” 

“What’s the point?” Renjun sighs. “Half the time, relationships don’t even last. And I’m still a freshman, I don’t want to be tied down for the next three years. Plus, Mark’s a year older, so he’ll graduate and leave me behind, thus proving my point that most relationships just end badly,” he argues, but the words feel empty, even to him. 

“Renjun…” Donghyuck starts to say, but Renjun shakes his head. 

“Besides, I don’t think he even sees me as a dateable option anyway.” Renjun shrugs. “Friends with benefits that get together rarely end well. I mean, the whole relationship was built on physical attraction, so, what happens when the fun part runs out? Statistically, it won’t work.” He nudges Donghyuck, changing the subject as he teases, “maybe you’d know more about stats, if you actually paid attention in class.” 

“Ugh,” Donghyuck groans. “Don’t you dare bring statistics into this. You know it’s a touchy subject for me!” 

Renjun snorts. “It’s not _my_ fault you bombed your quiz. Maybe if you studied harder,” he simpers. 

“Yeah, if I hadn’t lost my favorite study buddy to his dick appointment turned replacement bestie,” Donghyuck laments. “Jeno’s a terrible study partner.” 

“That’s ‘cause every time you try to study with him, you get horny whenever he taps his pen to his lips,” Renjun retorts. 

“He does it on purpose, I swear. God, why is he so _stupid hot?_ ” Donghyuck throws up his hands in frustration. “I hate him.” 

“No you don’t, you want to fuck him.” Renjun deadpans. 

“Yeah, I totally do,” Donghyuck sighs. He shakes his head. “Anyway, this isn’t about me. Because unlike you, I’m fully capable of recognizing that I might have something good in front of me and I know I should try to hold onto that.” 

“But you haven’t made a move-” 

“Shut up, I’m working on it,” Donghyuck hisses. He composes himself. “Look, all I’m saying is, Mark’s giving you a chance to break your ‘no relationships’ angsty phase. And I’ve seen the way Mark looks at you. He definitely sees you as more than just a hole with really nice legs.” 

“Gee, thanks,” Renjun says sarcastically, though the weight of Donghyuck’s words resonate within him, minus the whole “just a hole” part. 

“But seriously, I think you might be good for each other.” Donghyuck taps at his head. “Impeccable judge of character, remember?” 

Renjun rolls his eyes good-naturedly. “Sure.” 

“Now let’s go home, it’s cold as balls,” Donghyuck grumbles. “I can't believe you made me stand outside in the middle of fucking January to tell me you see Mark as more than a pretty face and a fat ass.” 

“He _does_ have a surprisingly nice ass,” Renjun agrees. “It’s very…” he makes a circular motion with his hand, “round.” 

“If you go into any more detail, I _will_ steal your key card and lock you out,” Donghyuck says, pointing at Renjun threateningly. “Now can we _please_ go home?” 

“Hm. Go without me,” Renjun says. He pulls out his phone, checking the time: Mark’s probably out of his lecture by now, and sure enough, his phone buzzes with a text: _“wyd rn?”_ He smiles despite himself. Donghyuck pretends to gag, and Renjun flips him off without looking up from his phone. 

“Absolutely disgusting. He’s whipped, your honor.” 

“I hope you choke on Jeno’s dick,” Renjun shoots back. 

“You know, that’s not much of a threat ‘cause you know I would. If I fucking could!” Donghyuck retorts. “Goodbye, Renjun. Expect all your things to be outside when you come back!” 

“Fuck you!” Renjun calls. Donghyuck blows him a mocking kiss, and they laugh as they head in separate directions - Donghyuck back to their residence hall, and Renjun to wherever Mark is - the undergraduate library, if his most recent text is any indication. 

Mark’s waiting for him, alone at a table in one of the more secluded spots of the library. He has his AirPods in, and so he doesn’t hear Renjun approach - Renjun debates tapping him on the shoulder and scaring him, but he convinces himself not to out of respect for the other library patrons, and definitely not because he’s afraid that it might come across as too flirty. 

He slips into the empty seat across from Mark, waving a hand in front of his face to get his attention. Mark grins, taking out one AirPod, and then he’s sliding a cup and a straw across the table. 

“Huh,” Renjun muses, examining the drink. 

“Did I get it right?” Mark asks, looking hopeful. 

Renjun laughs. “Yeah, you did. Thanks.” He tells himself not to get too excited, because they’ve gone for boba together a couple times after their shared anthropology lecture and he’s gotten the same thing every time. He pops the straw into the lid and takes a sip, letting the aromatic flavor of jasmine green milk tea settle on his tongue. “Wait, want me to Venmo you?” 

“Nah, it’s on me,” Mark waves a hand dismissively. He meets Renjun’s eyes, and for a few seconds they just grin at each other from across the table for a beat too long, before Mark clears his throat and changes the subject. “Um, so, have you done the anthro assignment yet?” 

“Yeah, it was just based on the textbook, it’s pretty easy. Want me to help?” Renjun asks, taking another sip of his drink. His eyes don’t escape the way Mark’s gaze falls to his lips, curved around the straw.

“Um. You don’t have any work to do?” Mark inquires, seemingly forcing his attention upwards.

“I do, but it’s not due for a couple days, so I have time.” Renjun lifts up his boba. “Besides, I kinda owe you. Scoot over.” 

Mark complies, moving his chair closer to the wall, and Renjun drags his chair over to his side. They crowd together over Mark’s laptop as he opens the homework browser, and Renjun sips at his drink while Mark reads through the questions with a frown. 

He gets slightly bored, and, well, he’s starting to get distracted at the way Mark absently bites his lip and furrows his eyebrows when he comes across a particularly confusing question. Experimentally, he drops his right hand from the table and onto Mark’s leg. Mark doesn’t notice, and he gives it a tentative squeeze. 

“Renjun,” he whispers, “what are you doing?” 

“Incentivizing,” he says. He picks up his drink, making sure Mark’s watching him when he parts his lips to swipes his tongue up the length of the straw, lapping away the stray droplets of tea before he hollows out his cheeks and takes a long sip. (He mentally thanks Mark for remembering he usually gets his drinks without any toppings, because it would have been incredibly unsexy if he tried to mimic giving a blowjob and ended up choking on a tapioca pearl.) He finishes it off and licks his lips, slowly, and then he flashes Mark a sly grin. 

Mark swallows again, glancing down at where Renjun’s hand sits, dangerously close to his inner thigh. “Incentivizing me to do what?” 

“Finish this assignment quickly,” Renjun says innocently. His fingers make contact - it’s a feather-light touch, but Mark’s breath catches in his throat nonetheless. 

“What if someone sees?” Mark murmurs. 

Renjun shrugs, angling his body so that his hand’s obscured from view. He keeps his gaze firmly fixated away from Mark as he keeps an eye out for any passerby, before he presses his palm down on Mark's cock, smirking when Mark bites back a muffled groan. “Finish the anthro stuff, and I guess we can go from there.” 

“You’re so…” Mark starts to say, shaking his head. 

“I’m so what?” Renjun teases, leaning closer with a grin. “Sexy? Amazing?” His hand brushes against the tip, fingers curling around it, and Mark bites his lip, squeezing his eyes shut. 

“Fuck,” Mark mutters. He reaches over to slam his laptop shut abruptly, and he stands, shoving it into his backpack. 

Renjun peers up at him curiously, but all he says is, “your place is closer, is Donghyuck home?” 

“He is, but I could always kick him out. I’m sure he’d love to have a chance to hang with Jeno after I sexile him.” Renjun has his phone out in an instant, shooting out a text to his long-suffering roommate. 

**donghyuck lee**

**Today** 5:45 p.m. 

_heyyy favorite roomie slash best friend_

_no_

_plssss_

_it won’t take long_

_r u saying mark doesn’t last long_

_wait no don’t answer that i don’t wanna know_

_actually i kinda do_

_shut uppp it’s not like that_

_but i may have gotten him_

_a little riled up_

_AT THE LIBRARY????_

_wtf r u stalking my location_

_yes_

_renjun u FREAK_

_haha… anyways_

_it’s a win win_

_because now u can go to jeno and be all like_

_my roommate sexiled me 😿😿_

_can u keep me company_

_wink wink_

_….. tempting_

_but also_

_u still owe me_

_from that time u sexiled me for ur random tinder boy_

_what even was his name_

_jae something_

_mmmm jaehyun_

_he was so fucking hot_

_good times... good times_

_...ok anyway_

_gonna be there in ten!_

_please vacate the premises_

_thank u love u_

_sighhhh_

_the things i do for u_

_MY SIDE OF THE ROOM BETTER BE UNTOUCHED WHEN I GET BACK!!!_

“You ready?” Mark murmurs in his ear. 

Renjun pockets his phone with a nod and stands. Then, he glances down. “What are you going to do about _that?_ ” He gestures at the tent that’s starting to form between Mark’s legs with a laugh. 

Mark grimaces. “Maybe if you stand in front of me nobody will notice?” 

“Hmm,” Renjun angles himself, moving towards Mark so his back’s pressed flush against his chest. He can feel his semi poking against his body, and he murmurs, “doesn’t this look weirder?” He shifts against Mark, relishing in the way Mark’s breath hitches when he “accidentally” grinds his hips up against it.

“Oops,” he says innocently, “didn’t see you there.”

“You’re an absolute menace,” Mark grits out. 

“Thanks.” Renjun grins, taking his hand and pulling him away from the table. Thankfully, there aren’t that many people around at this hour, and they make it out of the library and into Renjun’s dorm room without attracting too much attention. 

And it goes like it usually does: the door shuts behind them, and Mark has him pressed up against it in an instant. His hands find purchase tangling up in Mark’s hair as Mark kisses him fervently, a desperate clash of lips and tongue. Mark nips at his throat, fingers slipping underneath his shirt as he kisses down the crook of his neck, teeth sinking into the spot below his shirt collar that he knows always drives him crazy. 

They keep kissing until they make contact with the bed, and Renjun pushes Mark back so he’s sitting up on the sheets, resting his weight upon his hands. Renjun pauses, and he keeps his eyes on Mark as he slowly drops to his knees, feeling the cold of the linoleum tiles even through his jeans. He flashes Mark his most charming grin and says innocently, “I totally would have been down to get you off in the library.” 

Mark raises his eyebrows. “Semi-public sex? Is this a new kink of yours?”

“I’ve never tried it before,” Renjun responds honestly. His hands wander up, fingers trailing across the waistband of Mark’s grey sweatpants that leave very little to the imagination. “But I kinda wanted to in the moment.” 

“You’re a menace,” Mark says again, inhaling sharply when Renjun tugs down his pants and boxers, freeing his cock from where it had been straining against the fabric. “A public menace.” 

Renjun spits on his hand and then drops it between Mark’s thighs, fingers curling around his length. But he doesn’t make any indication of moving - instead, he just blinks up at Mark, who watches him with darkened eyes. “You love it,” he quips back. 

“Maybe I do.” 

He blinks, finding Mark grinning down at him, and for a moment, he doesn’t know what to do. The implications of his words seep into him, and his conversation with Donghyuck floats around in his mind, but he doesn’t know what to say. 

Or maybe he does, but they remain lodged in his throat, and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to get them out. So he doesn’t speak; he surges forward and licks a stripe up his shaft like he'd done with the straw back at the library while peering up at Mark from underneath his eyelashes. Mark's head tilts back, breathless expletives ringing out from his parted lips, and Renjun decides to stop teasing him and finally closes his mouth, bobbing his head up and down as he lets his raging hormones do all the talking for him. 

"Renjun," Mark chokes out. "Can I fuck you?”

Renjun detaches his lips from Mark's cock and nods _,_ wiping stray precome off of his mouth. He meets Mark's half-lidded eyes, feeling his own erection straining his pants - he'd been palming at it while moving his head between Mark's thighs, and a thrill runs through him at how wrecked Mark looks right now.

He pulls back, using Mark’s thighs to anchor himself upright. "Wait here," he orders. Mark's eyes trail his every move, and he returns with his trusty bottle of lube, kicking off his shirt and pants to the floor as Mark stares him down. He approaches, slotting himself between Mark's legs, and Mark tugs him forward by the waistband of his underwear, peeling it off of his body.

Mark takes the lube from him when he finishes running it across his fingers, and drips it onto his still-hard cock. Renjun pushes him back from the edge of the bed so he's leaning against the wall and settles onto his thighs, Mark's hands coming to brace themselves on either side of his hips automatically. He spreads his legs as he inserts one finger inside himself without breaking eye contact with Mark, who watches and waits, eyes darkened with want.

"Ready?" He inquires when Renjun's hand stills, and Renjun nods, removing his slick fingers. He adjusts his position, slotting himself on top of Mark’s cock, and they connect, groaning when Renjun grinds his hips down. It's rushed since he clearly hadn't prepped enough, but when he gets used to the friction, the pain bleeds into pleasure as they move together, chasing that familiar high. 

It's over entirely too soon - though Renjun supposes he's to blame for that, for getting Mark all worked up in the first place. He clenches around Mark as he paints his walls with white, but he continues fucking himself down on it, Mark’s hand curling around his cock to help him chase his own orgasm. His thighs flex with exertion as he rocks himself up and down with his fingernails digging crescents into Mark’s shoulders, his head thrown back as he cries out in pleasure, before his hips stutter and he comes onto both of their stomachs with a content sigh. 

His hands fall into Mark's hair; Mark's fingers are still gripping his hips as he presses an open-mouthed kiss to his slightly sweaty collarbone. "Aren't you going to get off me?" Mark laughs, voice muffled by Renjun's skin.

"Mm," Renjun mumbles. He pulls back, but he doesn’t make a move to dismount, keeping his arms looped around Mark's neck. "I don't think my legs are functioning anymore."

"Isn’t Hyuck gonna be back soon?" Mark inquires, tilting his head up so their eyes meet.

Renjun shrugs. They sit with their foreheads almost touching now, with him hovering over Mark for once. His eyes flick down to his lips. They don't kiss, he reminds himself, because kissing is only for initiating sex. He shouldn’t, because it’s not what they do. But it would be so easy to just slot their lips together, and Mark must be magnetic or something, because he finds himself sliding his hands so his thumbs cup Mark’s cheeks, tilting his head up as he leans down.

And much to his surprise, Mark meets him in the space in between, closing the distance. They kiss lazily, all their energy seemingly spent, as evidenced by the sticky layers of white that cover their skin and spill out from between his thighs. Mark's hands snake around his naked waist, the pads of his guitar-calloused fingers brushing against the soft skin of Renjun’s back.

It feels like they've been toeing a fine line ever since winter break, when they'd taken their benefits home with them, and when they came back, they'd established that they weren't seeing other people. And now, with the kissing _after_ sex, that's two ground rules that have been broken - the only one that's still left standing now is "don't catch feelings."

Yet when he moves back suddenly and Mark frowns and asks softly, "something wrong?" he just shakes his head and pulls him in again. He closes his eyes and tries not to think of anything other than Mark's lips on his and his hands roaming his body, but he still can't shake off the sinking feeling that maybe, just maybe, he's already broken all of their rules. 

* * *

Kissing, at his ripe old age of almost nineteen, doesn't mean very much to him anymore. He's had his fair share of drunken kisses, kisses that didn't mean much with strangers at gross frat parties - hell, he's even kissed Donghyuck once. Besides, he, like most people his age, has moved on to bigger and better things, such as sex.

So, he really shouldn't be so fixated on this one stupid kiss. It was in the heat of the moment, whatever. But it didn't go anywhere - they kissed and kissed, and then Mark had flipped them over and pulled out, got him cleaned up, even helped him throw his ruined sheets into the washing machine, and then he’d left without another round.

But his feelings for Mark are still as confusing as ever, because he thinks he might like him in a more than just a friends-with-benefits type of way, and they seem to be heading into dangerous territory lately - that is, _relationship_ territory.

He falters at the entrance of the lecture hall. There's an inexplicable dread settling in his system at the thought of having to see Mark as he presses on the door, swinging it open. Mark's sitting in his usual spot, his backpack and coat taking up all the space in the chair on his left, the last one at the end of the aisle that he always saves for Renjun because he always gets to class earlier than he does.

But he's not alone - there's a girl chatting amicably with him. There are three large Greek letters embroidered on her black sweatshirt, and he vaguely recognizes it as one of the Asian sororities on campus. Mark's wearing a shirt with his fraternity's letters on it as well, and as they laugh together, a stupid, fleeting thought crosses Renjun's mind - _they'd look good together._ It reminds him of that grainy, blurry video from Lucas Wong’s Snapchat story of Mark swaying with that random girl, and his own words echo in his head – they’re not the type to dance together in front of everyone at a crowded party. Even if he hypothetically does like Mark, and wants something real with him, he’s not entirely sure if Mark will ever be his to hold outside the confines of their respective bedrooms.

He's spiraling now, and he knows, but he stands, frozen, as he thinks about that hazy night he'd gotten too stoned with Mark, and how Mark hadn't bothered to correct the other guy when he'd asked if he had a girl up in his bedroom. He knows Mark's not the type to be so out in the open with his feelings, especially with what happened with his parents. And he doesn’t blame Mark one bit for that - mostly he blames himself for feeling this way, because he _should_ be content with their arrangement, instead of wondering deep down what it would be like to have Mark for real because he knows full well that he usually balks at the slightest hint of something deeper, if the way he got freaked out and left when they got high and talked about their feelings is any indication.

It shouldn't bother him - he'd known what he was getting into when he decided to do the whole friends with benefits thing. The reason why he'd gone for Mark was because aside from physical attraction, he seemed the least risky - he'd heard frat boys were notorious commitment-phobes, and there were enough degrees of separation between them and their respective circles for it to not be too awkward when they inevitably went their separate ways. Plus, they were different enough with their only common denominator being that neither were particularly interested in a real relationship outside of sex, so that was that, simple enough - at least it _was_ , until he had to go and break the golden rule and ruin everything.

Mark glances up and catches his eye, flashing him a grin and waving him over. But Renjun remains frozen in the doorway, watching as he shifts his attention back to the girl and they resume their conversation.

It's as if his feet move on autopilot. He backs away, into the hallway, before he turns and heads back in the direction he'd come from. Somewhere along the walk back to his dorm, he slips on his AirPods and plays whatever he'd been listening to before - Mark's playlist, judging from the Rich Brian song, but he's honestly too frazzled to care.

When he flings open his door, he catches sight of two guilty-looking figures. Jeno's sitting on Donghyuck's bed, while only his roommate's hair is visible from this angle. Jeno and Renjun make eye contact over the back of Donghyuck's head for a few seconds, before Renjun slowly backs away and shuts the door.

Unsure of what to do or where to go, he paces the hallway outside his room for a few seconds, before he pulls out his phone. His fingers hover over his messages with Mark - the most recent one being _“where r u?”_ received ten minutes ago, but he shakes his head and swipes away, sending out a text to Jaemin.

**jaemin na**

**Today** 1:15 p.m.

_uh_

_ur roommate_

_is currently getting head from my roommate_

_THAT FUCKER_

_HE BAILED ON ME FOR LUNCH_

_well_

_im in my room rn tho if u wanna come hang?_

_yeah sure_

_im omw_

Jeno and Jaemin live a floor above them, and their room's usually the site of their group hangouts since it's slightly bigger than Renjun and Donghyuck's.

Jaemin opens the door for him with a grin as soon as he knocks, but his smile falters when he takes in Renjun’s expression. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah,” Renjun murmurs, shaking his head. “This has nothing to do with Jeno and Donghyuck, there’s just… a lot going on right now.” 

Jaemin ushers him inside, letting the door slam shut behind him. He sits him down on the beanbag chair in the middle of the room, and hovers by the kettle that sits on top of the microwave, eyebrows furrowed in concern. “Do you want something to eat? Or drink? I can make you some tea. Or ramen, my parents sent me enough food to never have to go to the dining hall again.” 

“Got anything stronger?” Renjun’s only half-joking. 

“Renjun, it’s 1 pm on a Wednesday,” Jaemin raises his eyebrows. “Can I interest you in some tea instead?” 

Renjun offers a halfhearted nod. Jaemin opens the mini fridge under the microwave and pulls out a pitcher, pouring the contents into an electric kettle. For a few moments, the only sound in the room comes from the water boiling, and then Jaemin takes a seat on the floor across from him.

"Don't you have class?" Jaemin asks.

"Yeah, anthro lecture," Renjun says. "Attendance isn't mandatory. Wasn't feeling it," he adds with a small laugh.

Jaemin's lips form a small _o._ "Isn't Mark in that class?" He inquires.

Renjun nods numbly.

"Did something happen between you two?" Jaemin presses on, but his voice is gentle.

"Kind of, yeah." Renjun takes a deep breath, and then he unloads the complicated mess of emotions that have been consuming him since the last time he hooked up with Mark. Normally, Donghyuck would be the one he'd debrief, but, well, Donghyuck's kind of occupied at the moment. Besides, Jaemin's a great listener, keeping his eyes on Renjun and nodding, only getting up to pour them both a steaming hot cup of green tea.

"I think..." Renjun inhales, steadying himself. There's a sense of finality in admitting it out loud, the words he'd never thought he'd find himself saying ringing out into the silence: "I think I have feelings for Mark."

Jaemin sets down his mug. "You don't seem very happy about that."

"Well, yeah, because I genuinely have no idea if anything can come from this," Renjun snorts. He picks up his own cup and takes a sip, tea bitter and hot on his tongue. "I mean, I said this to Hyuck, too. Our whole relationship was pretty much built on sex, right? Like, we made ground rules and established that we wouldn't catch feelings. And then I broke that number one rule."

"Hmm." Jaemin looks pensive, leaning back against Jeno's bed frame. "I kinda get that." When Renjun looks at him quizzically, he rolls his eyes good-naturedly and laughs. "Yangyang and I actually met on Tinder before we started dating. We hooked up, and I thought we'd never see each other again after that night, but then I found out he was in my chem lecture like, two days after and things went from there."

"Huh," Renjun muses.

Jaemin nods. "Yeah, I don't know why we kept that a secret. Granted, it's not a very well-kept one, but... I guess there's like, this negative stigma attached to hookups turned into relationships, that they're not meant to last or whatever. But I think that's bullshit, cause, you know, I love Yangyang, and I'm pretty sure he loves me back, or else we're gonna have to have a talk." He flashes Renjun a small, reassuring smile. "So if you want proof that things have a possibility of working out, there you have it."

"I always thought I wasn't a relationship person," he says slowly. He bites his lip, curling his fingers around the warmth of his mug. Well, he supposes, it's not college if you don't sit in a friend's room at a random hour and unpack your trauma together, right? "I mean, I was there to watch my parents' marriage fall apart, so maybe that killed my perception of romance," he snorts. "I like Mark, and I think he might like me too, but the thought of something real fucking terrifies me because I don't know how quickly we'll end up falling apart."

"And that's valid," Jaemin says gently. "But think of it the other way around, what if things work? And it's good?"

Renjun shrugs. "I don't know. I guess I can't tell if I can see a future for us. Mostly because I know myself, and I don’t think I’m even capable of, like, being able to commit to a real relationship. But I keep having this irrational fear that all I am to him is someone he can use to get off and then he'll find someone better and leave. And it's so stupid because that's literally the whole point of our arrangement, so why does that bother me so much?"

"I think you know why."

"Yeah." Renjun laughs bitterly. "Yeah, I know." He leans back in the chair, letting out a sigh. "So now what?"

Jaemin stares thoughtfully up at him. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. I skipped lecture today because he was there. Part of me wants to text him and tell him I'll meet him at his place so we can fuck it out and not talk." He frowns, blinking at Jaemin. "Maybe I should end it."

"Everything?" Jaemin's eyes widen. "What's the reasoning?"

Renjun inhales, exhales. "I feel like I’ve been going in circles, like, part of me wants something real, but the other half of me doesn’t know if I can handle it. Maybe it would be nice to have some space, take some time apart. Figure out what we really want before we end up rushing into something we might regret."

"That could be a smart move," Jaemin says carefully. "But in my honest opinion, I think you should give him an explanation as to why."

"Yeah," Renjun nods, before he takes another long sip of his tea. "I will."

They're quiet for a few seconds, and then the sound of Jaemin's stomach growling loudly breaks the silence, causing them both to burst out into laughter. "Sorry," Jaemin says sheepishly. "I was about to head down to the dining hall, and then I got your text."

"No, it’s fine. Wanna head down? I could use some food," Renjun suggests.

"Yeah, definitely. Is it cool if I ask Yang to join?" Jaemin asks. "But I can also tell him to meet me later, if you don't want him to."

"Nah, it's fine, I haven't seen him in a while." Renjun waves a hand, setting down his tea. He gets up, and Jaemin does the same - and that's how he finds himself, some ten minutes later, sitting on the other side of a booth in his dorm's dining hall while Jaemin and Yangyang flirt across from him. 

Yangyang’s stealing pieces of pasta off of Jaemin’s plate while they debate which dining hall on campus has worse food. Renjun nods his agreement with Jaemin, deeming their own hall the worst when they turn to him, but for the most part he’s only half-listening, too busy grappling with his own swirling mess of thoughts. 

His phone buzzes with another text, and he's grateful for the distraction. As much as he loves both Jaemin and Yangyang, and he knows they're not intentionally trying to leave him out, there's only so much banter and loving looks he can take before he feels like he's third wheeling.

Except his distraction only makes him feel worse - it's another text from Mark, asking what happened - and because he's so considerate and doesn't seem to quite get the hint that Renjun's avoiding him, he's also wondering if Renjun wants the notes from today’s lecture.

The only heart he's breaking is his own. He realizes this a little too late, when the message has already been sent, and the words float on his screen in a singular blue bubble. _I think we should end this._

He doesn't wait to see what Mark's response is; he shuts his phone off and flips it over on the table, perhaps with a little more force than necessary. The sound startles Jaemin and Yangyang out of their flirty bliss, and they both look over at him in concern.

"Hey, Renjun, are you okay?" Yangyang asks, eyes wide.

Jaemin's eyes soften when he takes in Renjun's expression, undoubtedly picking up on the fact that Renjun's biting his bottom lip to keep it from shaking. He won't cry - he refuses to in front of all these people.

 _This was inevitable,_ he tells himself; mentally whispers that it's better to cut ties before they get too heavy and drag him down. But all he can do is fight back the tears that prick at the corners of his eyes and nod. “Yeah. Or, I will be, I guess,” he forces out a small laugh. “Jaem, do you know if Jeno’s back yet?” 

Jaemin and Yangyang exchange a look, a wordless conversation. Renjun glances down, poking at his half-eaten pasta with his fork. 

“Are you done eating?” Jaemin asks gently. Renjun nods, setting down his fork; Yangyang stacks up their plates and announces that he’ll be right back. 

“Hey,” Jaemin says softly. He reaches across the table, giving Renjun’s hand a small squeeze. “You can stay with me if you want, at least until Jeno gets back."

"Okay," Renjun murmurs. Yangyang returns with empty hands, and Jaemin wordlessly grabs his belongings and hands over it to his boyfriend. They exit the dining hall together, and Jaemin ushers them to the elevator and up to his room. Jaemin makes small talk while Yangyang indulges him, but they don't force Renjun to talk, and he's grateful for that.

When Jeno returns to the room, he looks startled at the sight of Renjun, before sheepishly running a hand through his hair. "I'm so sorry about earlier," he says, ears turning pink.

"It's okay," Renjun lets out a small laugh. "Is Donghyuck still in the room?"

Jeno nods, and Renjun gets up to go back to his own room. "Thank you," he says, voice sincere.

Jaemin gives him a reassuring smile. "Anytime, Jun. Just don't forget what I said, yeah?"

"Yeah," Renjun nods. He gives them all a small smile, before slipping out the door. When he heads down the stairs and unlocks his own room, Donghyuck's nowhere to be seen - he probably went to the bathroom, judging from the way his shower caddy is gone from its post in the closet. He flops onto his bed and digs out his phone from his hoodie pocket, staring at his missed notifications from Mark until the harsh light of the screen burns his retinas.

**mark lee**

**Today** 1:54 p.m.

_if that's what u want then ok_

_but can we talk about this in person?_

_i don't wanna do this over text._

_here are the notes from today btw_

_docs.google.com_

And that's how Donghyuck finds him, some ten minutes later - curled up into a ball and bawling his eyes out, because he's so dumb and Mark is so sweet and thoughtful and deserves so much better than what he can give. Donghyuck holds him as he cries, droplets of water from his wet hair dripping onto his cheeks and mingling with the salty tears that won't stop flowing.

He keeps telling himself it's for the best, because whatever they had wasn't going to be sustainable in the long run. It's better to cut his losses now, his rational side reminds himself - better to spare himself from even more pain if he let things develop further.

But if the stabbing ache in his chest is any indication, perhaps it's a little too late for that.

* * *

Renjun realizes he's egregiously fucked up a few days later when he finds himself face down underneath Mark, his moans muffled by Mark's pillow as Mark grips his hip so hard he thinks he'll have bruises in the shape of his fingertips marking his skin.

They're supposed to be talking it out like adults. Instead, he'd shown up at Mark's place, and then when he couldn't get the words out, he'd surged forward and kissed him. Mark had kissed him back with equal ferocity, tongue slipping between his lips and licking into his mouth, filthy and desperate. The clothes had come off instantaneously, falling to the floor in reckless abandon as they fell right back into their bad habits.

Mark fucks him like he's not sure if Renjun's really here, driving into him harder as if the friction from his rough thrusts and the subsequent gasps that emerge from Renjun's lips might disappear into nothingness if he slows down. They're both so close now, on the brink - he can feel it in the way Mark's movements are growing more and more desperate.

"Can I turn you around?" Mark murmurs. "Wanna see your face when you come for me."

Renjun cries out when Mark rocks against him, and then he shakes his head. His voice is shot when he manages to choke out, "no." He shuts his eyes and buries his face into the pillow, Mark's name heavy and bitter on his tongue when he comes.

Mark releases into him a few heartbeats later, his body draping over Renjun's as he catches his breath. He pulls out and flops onto his back beside him, and Renjun slowly regains his senses, coming back to reality as he lowers his hips to the mattress. He can feel Mark's eyes burning into him from where he lays, though he keeps his distance.

"So that happened," Mark exhales. He turns his head, meeting Renjun's eyes, but Renjun turns away - he rotates onto his side first, grimacing when he feels a sticky consistency pooling onto the sheets as he moves, and then he lies flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling. "What happened to giving me an explanation as to why you wanted to end things?"

Renjun shakes his head. He shouldn't have come here, knowing full well he can't stop himself. The words refuse to come out, because what the hell is he supposed to say? "I miss you?" "I love you?"

He falters at that last thought. _This isn't love,_ he reminds himself. There's nothing more than physical attraction and sexual chemistry at play here... right? But ending things with someone you only see as a fuck buddy, that's not something that hurts as much as it hurt him to send that text to Mark.

"I have to go," he murmurs in lieu of an answer. He refuses to meet Mark's gaze when he sits up, and he's about to slide off the bed when Mark grabs his wrist.

"Wait." 

There’s a lump in his throat that refuses to be swallowed, and that bitter taste still hasn’t left his mouth. When he turns, Mark lays on his stomach, propped up on his elbows as he reaches for Renjun with one hand. There’s palpable confusion and hurt in his wide eyes, and it cuts Renjun deeper.

“Fine,” he says slowly. “I like you.” Mark freezes, and Renjun pries his hand away. “Yeah, I know, I broke the number one rule of being friends with benefits,” he laughs derisively, shaking his head. “But I also know that nothing’s gonna happen with us. I mean, neither of us are really relationship material, right? We get each other off, and we treat each other like a dirty little secret, and that’s the extent of it. And I can’t seem to figure out how to deal with emotions without immediately jumping into sex, so… Maybe taking some time apart will be healthy.” 

“Renjun,” Mark starts to say, but Renjun shakes his head, picking up his clothes from the floor and hurriedly putting them on at record speed. 

“I’m sorry.” He tugs on his coat and slips on his shoes from where they sit at Mark’s door, feeling nothing but numbness. His fingers close around the doorknob, but as he opens the door, he hesitates at the threshold. He turns around, taking in one last glimpse of Mark, as if committing his naked image to memory. “I won’t text you anymore.” 

Mark doesn’t fight him; in fact, he doesn’t say anything as the door slams shut. Renjun’s not sure what he wants Mark to do - chase after him? Tell him he loves him, like they’re in some cheesy rom-com? It’s stupid and foolish, and the only sound he’s met with is the creaking of the floorboards underneath him as he forces himself to move on.

Snow flurries all around him as he trudges out of the house. Powder-white flakes swirl in the air, drifting gently onto his hair and his cheeks. There’s a bitter cold that seeps into his bones that can’t solely be attributed to the inclement weather, yet strangely enough, he doesn't feel very choked up. 

He stops at a crosswalk when his feet have taken him a significant distance away from Mark’s house, and he finally turns around. Fresh snow covers the footprints he’d left behind, covering up his tracks - almost as if he had never been there at all.

* * *

It takes midterms for him to finally show up to his anthropology lecture. He makes sure to sit as far away from Mark as possible, opting to take a seat all the way at the back of the hall, closest to the door so he can make his leave quickly. 

True to his word, he hasn’t texted Mark in almost a month now. Mark hasn’t bothered to send him anything either, and their message thread slowly but surely gets buried underneath his other chats with his friends. 

He’s slept with other people - hell, he’s even downloaded Tinder and swiped through until he reached the end of the stack before Donghyuck had intervened. And it’s so horribly cliche but whenever he’s with someone else, he imagines it’s Mark that’s fucking into him every damn time instead of the stranger whose name he barely remembers, wonders if Mark’s sleeping with other people and if he ever crosses his mind when he does. 

But it’s not just the sex that he misses. He avoids the library altogether, opting to do all of his studying in his dorm lounge instead in fear that he’ll catch sight of Mark, sitting at his usual table with his AirPods in; he tries not to wonder if Mark’s replaced him with a new study partner, because there’s nothing he can do about that anymore. He lost his stake in Mark’s life when he ended things for good. 

He scribbles the last sentence of the short answer portion of his exam and gives it a cursory once-over before he goes to drop off the stack of papers at the front of the room. As he makes his way back to his seat, he locks eyes with Mark, who’s coming down the aisle, and for a split second, he lets himself stare, drinking in his appearance before the moment’s over and he averts his gaze. Their arms brush from opposite sides when he walks past him, and when he can’t stop himself from lifting his head to steal a glance over his shoulder, he finds that Mark’s looking at him too. 

Shaking off the strange sensation that thrums in his chest to the best of his ability, he grabs his belongings and swiftly exits the lecture hall. 

He makes it through the rest of his exams without much trouble - he’s actually somewhat grateful for the distraction, because the hours spent studying means less time he wastes thinking of Mark. 

But once midterms are done, he realizes he has nothing to do and nowhere to go. It’s a Friday afternoon, and he lays on his bed as he scrolls aimlessly through his phone. His Tinder inbox is blowing up with messages from guys begging for his attention, but he glosses over them with disinterest. 

Donghyuck’s ditching him all day to go on a date with Jeno — an official, real, date-date. Renjun’s so proud of that bastard for finally working up the nerve to ask Jeno out, even if it means he’s more often than not the roommate getting sexiled nowadays. 

He could also ask Jaemin to hang, but he feels bad since he’s _always_ there whenever Donghyuck and Jeno kick him out. Plus, he’d heard that Mark’s frat is throwing a party tonight to celebrate the end of exams, and since Yangyang’s close with Lucas, he’ll probably end up dragging Jaemin along to the party. 

Maybe he should have made more of an effort to make friends at the start of the year instead of only befriending people that live in his dorm, but whatever. He loves his small circle, even if it means he has nobody to hang out with when they’re all busy. 

In a moment of weakness, he considers texting Mark. But what would he say? The last thing in their message thread is from over a month ago: Mark’s anthropology notes from when he’d skipped class. He stares blankly at the text. As he taps his thumb to the dimming screen to make it light up again, he sees a flash of movement - three little dots, appearing and disappearing as if Mark’s not quite sure what to say, either. 

Abruptly, he sits up, unable to tear his eyes away. The dots blink in, blink out, blink in again. 

**mark lee**

**Today** 2:31 p.m.

_uh hey_

_this is kinda random_

_but i think u still have one of my hoodies_

Heart pounding, Renjun rereads the message over and over, slack-jawed. Why does he feel so disappointed? 

_it’s the red one_

_sorry to bother u haha_

_do u think i can have it back_

_we’re hosting something at 10 tn_

_if u can give it to me then_

**donghyuck lee**

**Today** 2:32 p.m. 

_i’m going to kms_

Attachment: 1 Image

_WTF DO I DO_

_srry for thpos_

_im typind w one hand_

_heh_

_oh my GOD_

_i hate u so much_

_IM JUST KIDDING_

_WHY TF WOULD I TEXT U IF I WAS DOING THAT_

_JUST HOLDING MY BFS HAND 🥰_

_anyway_

_are u gonna go?_

_idk….._

_i might_

_not like i have anything better to do_

_on a friday night_

_all alone in my dorm_

_idk ask one of ur tinder boys over_

_or are u bored of them already_

_:///_

_men only want one thing and it’s disgusting_

_love?_

Renjun shakes his head with a laugh, which promptly slides off of his face when his phone buzzes with another text from Mark - “ _or maybe i just wanted an excuse to see u”_. 

He sends a screenshot of the message to Donghyuck, aptly captioned, “ _fuck u, mark lee. fuck u.”_

Except some hours later, it’s nearing midnight and he stands hesitantly in the walkway to the frat house, clutching Mark’s stupid red hoodie to his chest. Everyone’s already too far gone to spare him a second glance, and he pushes forward, waving away secondhand smoke as he maneuvers through the crowd gathered on the porch. 

But as he reaches for the door, it swings open from the inside, and he finds himself standing face-to-face with Mark. 

“Oh,” he says, sounding surprised. “You came.” 

Renjun swallows, and then he shoves the hoodie at him. “Here.” 

Mark takes it gingerly. Their fingers brush as the sweatshirt passes between their hands, and Renjun reels back as if he’d been electrocuted. 

“Okay,” Renjun says. “Have a good night, then.” He turns around to leave, but Mark stops him with a hand around his wrist. 

“Wait. Renjun, can we talk?” He pleads, and Renjun takes a moment to steady himself before he faces Mark again. 

Mark releases his hold on Renjun’s wrist; Renjun feels like he’s having deja vu to the mess that had happened the last time they tried to have this conversation. He crosses his arms across his chest as if that’ll steady his racing heartbeat. Quirking an eyebrow, he inquires, “is that a good idea?” 

“Please? I have to get a few things off my chest.” Mark’s looking at him with wide eyes. 

“Okay,” Renjun says again. He watches as Mark purses his lips, and then he begins talking. 

“I like you, but I thought you were only in it for the sex, which was _awesome,_ don’t get me wrong. I guess I tried to push aside those feelings and tell myself that even if you didn’t feel the same, at least I’d have a reason to see you if we kept hooking up.” He tilts his head. “You told me you liked me, and then you ran away and cut me off. It’s been a month, but I still feel the same. Do you?” 

Renjun hesitates, yet he’s nothing but honest when he murmurs, “yeah, I do.” Mark opens his mouth, but Renjun swiftly interjects. “But does that really change anything?” 

“Well, I mean… being honest is a start, right?” Mark responds. “I’m not saying we should go right back into sleeping with each other again. I mean, not that I would mind, but… you know. Probably not the best idea.” 

“Hm.” Renjun frowns. “So what are you saying? You wanna date for real? Like, let the world know?” 

“You make it sound like it’s a bad thing,” Mark says, flashing Renjun a small smile. 

“It might be,” Renjun argues weakly, cynical as ever when it comes to matters of the heart. 

“Maybe.” Mark shrugs. “All I know is that I wasn’t looking for anything, really, just a consistent hookup when we started this. I never really thought I wanted a relationship this early on in college, but if it happens, it happens. And then we got closer and I got to know you better, like, outside of hooking up, and I don’t know. I guess something about you makes me want to try it out. For real.” 

“But what if…” Renjun starts to say, but he trails off, losing his train of thought when Mark steps closer. “What are you doing?” He whispers. 

“Relationships suck sometimes, and it’s hard and there’s no guarantee that we won’t break each other’s hearts, but… Don’t you think it’s worth giving it a try?” Mark asks, eyes wide and sparkling in the low light. “We can take it slow,” he suggests. “I mean, we’ve been moving so fast from the start, maybe it’ll be nice to slow down. Take it day by day.”

“Day by day,” Renjun repeats softly, as if he’s testing out the words on his tongue. “I like that.” He bites his lip, peering up at Mark. “You really wanna date me? For real? Even after I sent out all those mixed signals and ran away?” 

Mark nods emphatically. “Yeah.” His boyish grin widens. “Clearly we both have a lot of stuff to figure out and talk through, but maybe we can do that together.” 

Renjun keeps his eyes on Mark as he slowly moves forward, a hesitant hand coming up to Renjun’s cheek; all the emotions he’d been trying so hard to repress this past month come bubbling up to the surface as he leans into Mark’s touch. 

“What about your parents? And what about all these people? You don’t care if they see?” The words come tumbling out of his mouth. 

Mark’s smile falters slightly as he drops his hand, but he shakes his head. “I’ve been talking to my parents a lot about this, and I think I’ll find a way to get through to them. And fuck what other people say, all I care about right now is if you’ll say yes to being my boyfriend.” His eyes widen at _that_ word, and he grins hopefully. He hesitates, before murmuring, “I want to kiss you right now. Is that okay?” 

In lieu of a response, Renjun smiles, feeling that familiar warmth settling inside him at Mark’s words. He steps closer, bridging the gap between their bodies and curls his arms around Mark’s shoulder, Mark’s hands automatically finding their place around his waist. They meet in the middle, kissing long and slow and sweet, but Mark pulls back before they can get too heated. 

_Slow,_ Renjun reminds himself, _take it slow._ Of course, part of him wants to jump Mark’s bones, grab his hand and bolt upstairs to the second door on the right and let themselves fall right back into bed, into their familiar rhythm. But things are different now, and he wants to do everything for real this time, without using sex as a shield for his emotional constipation. 

“I really hope that was a yes,” Mark murmurs. “That was a yes, right? Just making sure.” 

Renjun laughs, head tilted back in mirth. “Yes, dumbass,” he says, reaching up again to press a soft kiss to Mark’s lips. “I could have given your hoodie to one of my KSA friends to give back to you, but I still came, right? I wanted to see you too.” 

Mark glances down at the hoodie in question that’s still fisted in one hand, unfolding the red fabric between them. “I meant it when I said it looks better on you,” he muses. 

“Maybe I should steal it.” Renjun teases. 

“It’s all yours. Just like I am.” Mark looks entirely too proud of himself for that line. 

“God, that’s so cheesy,” Renjun fake-groans. “Maybe I should look for a new boyfriend.” 

“I can’t believe this relationship’s already over,” Mark pouts. 

Renjun laughs. He wants to kiss that pout off of Mark’s face - and so he does; nothing’s stopping him from doing so anymore. There’s something quite nice about kissing aimlessly without the intention of initiating sex – _who would have thought?_

He voices that thought to Mark when they come up for air. 

“Actually…” 

That’s how he gets roped into a one month sex ban – courtesy of Mark’s fraternity big bro, Johnny, who suggested it when Mark went to him for advice as a way for them to focus on developing their relationship without just defaulting to the physical attraction; Mark admitted that they’d gotten the idea when a handful of bros got drunk one weekend and binge-watched a terrible dating reality show on Netflix that forbade participants from getting steamy.

“It can’t be too bad, right?” Renjun’s voice wavers with uncertainty at his own question. 

“Right,” Mark agrees, sounding equally unsure. “We can do this.” 

(And so, thus begins the longest month of Renjun Huang’s life.) 

* * *

**[Google Calendar - Now]**

_dick appt_ \- in 10 minutes

“Vile,” Donghyuck says, reading the notification on Renjun’s lockscreen. “Absolutely vile.” 

Renjun just snickers, closing his laptop and his books and shoving them all into his backpack. “You saw what the GCal says.” 

Footsteps approach their table, and Mark appears with a tray of three cups of boba. Donghyuck grabs Renjun’s phone, holding it up. “Look at what he has you in his Google Calendar as.” 

Mark squints and gestures for Donghyuck to bring the phone closer for a better look. Renjun keeps telling him he looks sexy in glasses, but he refuses to wear them out. Maybe those two things are correlated, he’s not entirely sure. 

“I can’t believe I got downgraded to ‘dick appointment.’ Before, my full name was in the calendar,” Mark protests.

“Earn your spot back,” Renjun suggests, leaning over the table to snatch his phone out of Donghyuck’s grasp. He turns to look at Mark as he’s still bent over, one hand bracing his weight against the table. Mark’s gaze burns into him, raking over his body, and he flashes him a smirk. 

Donghyuck loudly clears his throat, shattering the heavy tension as they stare each other down. “Mark, thank you for the boba, but I am respectfully going to kick you guys out now, for the sake of the library. I’m protecting everyone from your…” he gestures vaguely, “debauchery.” 

Renjun laughs, getting up and coming around to greet Mark. “Should we go?” He asks, letting Mark slip his arms around him in an absentminded hug as he reaches for his drink. 

“Please,” Donghyuck groans from behind them. “Go crazy, preferably somewhere I can’t see or hear. Renjun, I will see you tomorrow if you’re still able to walk by then. Goodnight!” 

Mark chokes on his drink. Renjun rolls his eyes, laughing as he flips Donghyuck off. He intertwines his fingers with Mark’s, leading him away, though he can’t bite back the broad smile on his face. 

When they make it back to Mark’s room, they’re attached even before the door closes. Mark grins as he tugs Renjun inside, pressing him up against the wall as the lock clicks behind them. 

Renjun licks into his mouth, curling his fingers into his hair and pulling hard, the way he knows always gets Mark going as he grinds his hips down. It doesn’t take long until they're both hard and breathless — it _has_ been a somewhat rough month without being able to do anything physical, after all — and he lets his hands roam, mapping out all the familiar pathways of Mark’s bare skin before he tugs them both onto the bed. 

They impatiently rush through the prep. Renjun jokes that he might come before Mark can remove his fingers, and so Mark finishes stretching him out with haste. Soon enough, he’s driving deep into him, the cross pendant of his silver necklace swinging onto Renjun’s chin in a familiar rhythm. 

Of course, neither of them last very long — again, it’s been a _long_ month. Mark kisses him after he pulls out, and they lay beside each other, content as they catch their breath. Renjun leans over to press their lips together. 

When he pulls away, he blindly reaches for his phone on the bedside table, tapping at it for a few moments with a grin. He holds up the screen triumphantly, and Mark holds his wrist to get a better glimpse at it. “What am I looking at?” 

“Look at the sections,” Renjun says. 

Mark’s eyes catch on the newly created “mark lee” calendar section, right underneath “class schedule,” and he lets out a loud laugh. “So it’s official, huh?” 

“I guess so,” Renjun grins. He sets down his phone and pulls Mark back in, and they fall into a mess of tangled limbs and lazy kisses. Mark runs his hands through Renjun’s hair as Renjun pillows his head on his chest, and Renjun muses, “yeah, this is so much better than being friends with benefits.” 

Mark hums his agreement, and Renjun settles into the warmth, letting his eyes flutter shut. They fall asleep like that on the ruined sheets, and when morning sunlight streams in from Mark’s window, they’re still in the same position, naked bodies curled together underneath the blanket.

In the early afternoon, Mark takes him home — but not without another lazy round in bed and again in the shower — and Renjun definitely is not walking straight when Mark drops him off at his dorm with one last parting kiss. 

Donghyuck can’t hold back his laughter when he sees him, and Renjun’s too tired and content to fight back. “Dude, you’re in deep. Or should I say, _Mark_ was in deep?” 

“Fuck you,” Renjun retorts, flopping onto his bed. He’s grinning at the ceiling, and Donghyuck definitely notices from his perch on his own bed across the room. 

“Whipped,” Donghyuck says. 

Renjun tilts his head to face his roommate, smirking. “Maybe I am.” 

“Wow,” Donghyuck whistles. “Who would have thought? My commitment-phobe roommate, settling down, falling in love. They grow up so fast,” he sniffs. 

“Woah, who said anything about love?” Renjun raises his eyebrows, though he knows he’s not fooling anybody. 

“Nobody had to. It’s written all over your face,” Donghyuck deadpans. 

Renjun shrugs, unable to bite back his smile. He’s not entirely wrong — warmth flutters in his chest, reverberating throughout his body underneath Mark’s red hoodie. But he doesn’t say anything else to Donghyuck regarding the matter, instead opting to announce, “I’m exhausted. Gonna take a nap. Good night.” 

“It’s like, 2 p.m.,” Donghyuck’s disembodied voice floats out as he closes his eyes. “But good night, I guess.” 

He’s partially conscious as his mind wanders to thoughts of gentle fingers carding through the long strands of hair at the nape of his neck and clouds of mint-flavored smoke rising above the stained sheets, a red sweatshirt passing between his hands and those of the actual owner. 

He’d always thought they weren’t built to last — more so he had tried to convince himself that this was a fact when he’d feared his own feelings. But he’d also like to think that they’re not quite the same people now that they were when they first started sleeping together all those months ago. He can’t pinpoint when, exactly, Mark became more than his regularly scheduled dick appointment, but maybe that seed was always there, growing on its own naturally as they grew closer and closer. 

Of course, this is all uncharted territory for him, and it’s terrifying all the same — but it gives him a semblance of comfort in knowing they’re figuring it out together. And when he looks over at Mark and feels that warmth fluttering in his chest at the sight of him, when he’s sitting next to him in their anthropology lecture or when Mark has their fingers curled together as he drives with one hand, or when he has his palms braced against the mattress on each side of Renjun’s face as he tells him he looks absolutely beautiful before he wrecks him harder, in each of those moments and many, many more, he can’t help but think to himself, _maybe this is love._

Sure, their story isn’t exactly conventional. And even he’d been cynical about the sustainability of a friends-with benefits-turned-lovers relationship, but he likes Mark. A lot. _Loves_ him, maybe. 

So if he has any say in this, things are going to work out: they’re going to last, prove those cynics and his past self wrong. He’ll do everything he can to make sure of it. 

He drifts off to sleep with a hint of a smile on his lips, mind occupied with thoughts of Mark. 

(On his phone, there’s an event scheduled on his Google Calendar for Friday night, color-coded in red with the rest of his “mark lee” section. **DATE NIGHT,** it reads in bold. Underneath it, in the notes section, there’s one small sentence: _tell bf i think i love him? too early???_

He’s too busy napping to see that there’s a new addition to the event: _u gave me edit privileges to this calendar lol_ and below that: _def not too early. say it so i can say it back_ <3.)

**Author's Note:**

> accidentally made mark too sexy in this fic haha....
> 
> twt: [@LEOLlNE](https://twitter.com/LEOLlNE)


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